wrong shade of pink

confessions of an avoidant

Threw up in my mouth a little while writing this

sylvia
Dec 02, 2025

Its one again one of those nights when im deeply sleep deprived and all my brain wants to do is psychoanalyze itself. Like ok i guess we're unpacking some trauma in the middle of the night for fun now.

My nervous system cannot tell the difference between being loved and being held a gunpoint. The second someone gets too emotionally close to me im suddenly Courage the cowardly dog and all i can do is tuck my tail between my legs and shake uncontrollably while running away screaming bloody murder.

There's something tragically beautiful about it or maybe thats just my uncontrollable urge to turn my self sabotaging tendencies into poetry. Im too dramatic not to.

Im sitting on my bedroom floor trying to think of all the people ive ran away from. My whole life has been a series of craving connection but also ruining it before it ruins me, then i go and type all angrily in my notes app "why does no one stay?" As if im not the one who sprints towards the exit door at any and every minor inconvenience.

I probably shouldn't admit this but i love leaving. A minor inconvenience, feeling slightly unwated, people getting too close, things getting to real, my bags are packed and im out the door.

Its funny and stupid because sometimes i care so much it actually hurts and all i want is for someone to hold my face and scream "i care about you, i will stay" but i also know if someone actually tried that i would probably laugh at their face and get the ick.

Sometimes i cant tell if im actually an avoidant or just an asshole.

I crave affection but i cannot allow myself to have too much of it maybe because im scared of someone actually getting to know me. Whats underneath is not half as pretty as the surface, what if they can tell all this indifference is just a complicated way of saying please dont hurt me and please dont leave. My entire nature is very contradictory i want honesty but i would rather set myself on fire than be honest i want to be held but flinch everytime someone touches me.

"Please love me endlessly but not too much cause then I'll feel suffocated, text me all the time but dont expect me to text back, try to get to know me but not on a deeper level, try to understand me but not too much, try to see my soul but dont touch it because thats rude"

I might be the problem...

How do you crave intimacy and fear it in the same breath? I wish i knew how to stop running, i wish i knew how to be vulnerable without gagging at the thought of it, i wish i could send all those texts that feel "too much" without wanting to slam my head againt the wall until my brain spills out.

I know why i am the way i am and i know deep inside there's a version of me who wants to be known flaws and all. She doesn't turn emotional intimacy into a horror film and on nights when the alcohol hits and my brain quiets while my heart gets too loud, she whispers "its ok to love and be loved" but then i fall asleep and when I wake up the next day she's gone as if she never existed.

Avoidance is both my curse and my comfort this is the only way I know how to survive maybe im tired maybe im exhausted maybe im just dramatic and sleep deprived as usual

I'll probably wake up tomorrow and cringe and delete this but its fun being a little vulnerable sometimes.

Thank you for coming to today's AA (avoidant anonymous) meeting~