Mothering Without Guilt

Why prioritising accommodations for neurodivergent families isn’t indulgence, it’s survival.

Amy Holistically

Sep 22, 2025

I shared a very slapped-together TikTok last week (HERE) titled: Things I do as an AuDHD mum to make the house less overstimulating. Basic, right? Of course, Murphy’s law jumped in when I least expected it - and sent this post “viral” (261,000 views, which is HUGE in my mind). This wasn’t the first time I’ve had a post go viral, but it was the first time the trolls came out to play.

I’ll be honest - because the post was rushed, I didn’t give much thought to my word choice. I used the word rule a lot (ick, I know). Even with that disclaimer in the caption, multiple people called our accommodations selfish.

After probably the third comment, I felt the sting of that word. I swung between wanting to justify myself and second-guessing what I had shared. My rational brain had packed up and left the party, forgetting that these commenters were a) men, b) faceless accounts posting a ton of nonsense and c) not in my situation at all. Instead, I jumped straight to my sense of justice - because this is exactly how a large portion of society views motherhood.

Any mother knows that once you go through the portal of matrescence, priorities change. It’s no longer simply about the self - suddenly, this new little being takes precedence and the scales of balance begin to teeter.

When your little being is also neurodivergent, has special education needs or a disability - the balance goes completely off kilter and the scales go out the window. You spend your waking moments learning, researching, attending appointments and therapies, plus doing the rest of the motherhood load. You become attuned to your child so deeply that you can sense changes in emotional stability or regulation before they happen. You’re on alert constantly, micro-managing the world around you.

Accommodations and tools become the norm: noise-cancelling headphones, weighted blankets, therapy brushes, visual schedules, body doubling. For me, these have been the norm for six years - and now three children.

Across this time, I realised some of this neurodivergence ran in my own life (cue Taylor Swift - hey, it’s me! I’m the problem it’s me!). Yet, it wasn’t until seeking my own diagnosis at the age of 38 (earlier this year) that I finally felt the worthiness to put in place my own accommodations.

• Ruthlessly declutter so that my home felt spacious
• A daytime mini-break (alone, or at least DND Mum while the kids played independently for 30 mins)
• Noise-cancelling headphones (invested in a good pair!)

And then some quirks (aka systems) which I love and really don’t impact anyone else in my house

• Drop zones for keys, shoes, bags, and daily junk
• Quiet zones for sensory avoiders (two of us!)
• No overpowering scents in the house
• A hydration station to avoid 59,857 cups a day

My thought process has always been simple: I am needed as the co-regulator for my kids. It’s impossible to co-regulate and live a life as a happy, creative, vital woman if I am not regulated myself. These accommodations make me a better mum, wife, and human. And I believe every mother deserves the same.

And then comes the word: “SELFISH.” Arrows from the cheap seats.

“Too rigid.”

“Not normal.”

”Think of your kids!”

Which is ironic, because by thinking about ourselves as mothers - we are thinking about the kids. Accommodations are essential. They’re not indulgent.

This is a hill I will die on: everyone deserves accommodations. Yes, ND families and ND mums do, but everyone has unique needs and thus deserves environments that either fit them - or at least provide the respite needed to continue navigating life.

To do this, first we must break through the echoes of conditioning that dismiss the role of mothers: the whispers that say we should do more, we can have it all, staying at home isn’t work, and the children, the children, the children. Only when we shift from a child-centered perspective to a family-centered one - and feel worthy - will we see that prioritising our needs strengthens the family as a whole.

So yes, I stand by my slapped-together post. And the caption:

“Our home can be a haven, even if we’re surrounded by stress. Even more our home SHOULD be a haven so as to help us mitigate the stress. Mothers are worthy of accommodations too.”

If you’ve been feeling guilty about what you need(or desire), or doubting yourself because the whispers of society or dumbass trolls are louder than your voice, take this as your reminder: you are worthy. You deserve any accommodation you need. And you have full permission to declare, ask for, and create it.

Amy x

All images from this Substack are found on this Pinterest board here.