# How We Knew Screen Time Was Too Much

### From support to dependency, when tools turn into habits

[Amy Holistically](https://substack.com/@amyholistically)  
Aug 20, 2025

5

#### A peek inside our family’s experiment with screens: what’s helping, what’s hindering, and why we’re taking a pause.

Screens are such a wildly divisive topic, and I suppose like much of parenting aspects - people shout from the rooftop about the good, the bad, the nuances - all in an effort to lay some seeds, or help someone who may need it. Unfortunately, much of this shouting simply becomes a loud speaker of projection, defensiveness and bean soup.

Our family honestly didn’t have much of a kaupapa (guiding values) around screens, but we were forced into an early retirement of TV and such when our first child was diagnosed with autism at 23 months old. Her sleep has always been such a struggle - I’m not talking like newborn wakes, I’m talking up for longer than she is asleep lol - and unfortunately the link was made very early on, that even 10 minutes of TV made the night a heck of a lot worse.

I think by about the age of 5, her nervous system and brain was able to handle a bit more, and we utilised our iPad for some sporadic TV. And because we homeschool, this slowly increased with the introduction of learning apps. During this time I - very reluctantly - began to unpick what we known about kids and screen use.

This is an old photo, but we have tried to make tv not be the centre, and invested in a photo frame tv.

The threads I weaved together came from:

**Neuroscience -**

Actually considering the choice of device that we’re using. We had always chosen iPads, simply because it allowed autonomy and control for Miss PDA to have her own screen. Plus the benefit of learning apps, right? While we had limits on what was on there, and most things were low input - the iPad does heighten areas such as blue light effects, micro dopamine dosing through each swipe and tap, the stimulation of apps vs the passivity of tv.

**Unschooling Philosophy -**

Because unschooling is rooted in autonomy and the trust that a child can follow their interests and learning will, of course ensue, **many** unschooling families do unlimited access to screens. My view on this is a little different. Unschooling gives the kids the drivers seat of the car, and by offering a life without boundaries or limits, or guiding kaupapa, you are just saying “See ya! Enjoy the trip!”. Our role as unschooling parents is to provide the keys (resources) and most importantly, the map (the direction, edges). We are the stewards, and we should be providing guidance to where the edges are in this part of life.

**Neuro-affirming and Neurodivergent Informed Data -**

There is a lot emerging about the use of screens for autistic and ADHD kids, and how it can actually be a tool to support them. The control, the structure, the non-demand - it really can be a resource that allows a neurodivergent person to self-soothe. My daughter said this to me recently, totally unprompted. She said “I love my ipad and headphones,” and when I asked why that is, she said “it’s the only time my brain doesn’t have to think.” Ooph.

I do think the 90's style TV and Games are much more supportive for the brain!

And we have witnessed this. Our daughter does use music, or her ipad and noise cancelling headphones as a way to rest and regulate. It’s the tool she leans into when we’ve had a big day. It’s the one pause in her life, the exhale she sometimes so desperately needs but can’t seem to find any other way.

**But again, the discourse is largely: unlimited access! It’s a tool! Let’s go!**

Now this, is a little harder for me to digest!

And I think the reason for this indigestion is because I am acutely aware and attuned to the flickers of change within the demeanour, the energy, the mood of my kids. _This is not to say other’s are not attuned - but one of my strengths (or curses lol I’m not sure sometimes) is that I am hyper-aware. Maybe from the years of co-regulation needs, being side by side to these children 24/7 , living and breathing, sleeping and homeschooling._

While screens have played the role of a lifeline lately,

- Allowing me to nap in the morning when Miss PDA starts the day at 3am
- Giving space, time, decompression to Miss PDA when she needs it
- The zone out for Mr ASD when he has been battling OCD and ARFID.
- The hour break in the homeschooling day so myself or Dan can have a cuppa, or some kai or simply time to stare at the wall (haha)

But, lately we’ve started to see signs that the balance is shifting and they’re taking more than they’re giving.

#### When the Balance Changes

For us, that’s looked like:

- Mood changes almost instantly after hopping on the screen (an increase in equalising behaviours, snippy tones and arguments)
- Wanting to return to screens shortly after they have transitioned off. As soon as that pang of boredom strikes, the go to response has been “can we have iPad time?”
- Less curiosity and interest in other kinds of play or connection - particularly so, less outside time which is unusual for our family!
- And the biggest red flag being, Miss PDA’s sleep going down the toilet again.

I have spoken to Dan about this a few times, and we keep tossing back and forth all the pro’s and con’s, and how to navigate this, what we want our family life to look like, and how we meet everyone’s needs - decisions don’t come lightly, even with my desire to move fast.

> This is how kaupapa is formed. It’s the process of tipping out all the puzzle pieces and seeing how we can piece them back together in a way that is aligned for us.

And as much as my brain wants to go there, it’s important to say that noticing these patterns doesn’t mean we’ve “failed” or that screens are bad. It just means it’s time for us, as the stewards of this home, to step in and lead with a bit more intention.

But you can set boundaries for what exposure happens in their safe place - the home.

What we landed on, with intention, a huge amount of hope and trust is:

#### PHASE ONE - Digital Detox

- Taking some time for a digital detox. It isn’t necessarily the screens that are the problem, but we feel the choice of screen (iPad) needs a detox. So iPads are going away for a bit (ideally for good, and being reserved for holidays or what not).
- We are recognising the need for screens as tools within our family.
  - For homeschooling purposes this means still being able to access learning apps. This part is a “Phase 2” of the plan which we are yet to form haha!
  - For social purposes this means recognising that our kids don’t attend school, and so having access to apps like Kids Messenger allows them to maintain relationships with their friends. We have teed up set times with the kids friends that they can all be online, and our kids will use my phone to do that (as we are re-framing that the phone is predominantly a tool for communication).
  - For regulation. We have moved a TV into our master bedroom (this room is often used by the kids when they need a quiet space, or time alone). A cosy nook, TV, headphones and a basket of analog activities eg dot to dot, colouring, puzzles etc to satisfy the needs to fidget.
- We are accommodating the PDA within our home, by equally removing our devices. Phones are anchored in the day in the “landline space” where we have volume on for calls, but that’s all they’re used for. No more scrolling! Which I actually am welcoming.
- We are planning for a turbulent Phase 1 (detox) and doing a lot of family outings, to ground, be busy and ultimately reduce the time at home where the kids are bored and defaulting to wanting a device.
- And we are speaking honestly with out kids that:
  - “We’ve noticed screen time is making your brains a little fuzzy, we’re all feeling a bit overstimulated and moody.”
  - “ We are going to take a break from our iPads for a little while and use this time like scientists to test and see what the outcome is.”
  - "I can hear that it feels like Mummy and Daddy are being mean by putting the iPads away. We aren’t doing this to be bossy or punish you, sometimes we have to make hard decisions as parents and we think this is going to be good for all of us.”

We’re on Day 2 now, and the effects have been almost immediate. I’m not naive in thinking there won’t be backlash, and I’ve already experienced a fair bit of equalising - but we have been prepared for this shift and are holding the line for this initial detox.

Our view today lol an indoor playground to expend energy and be busy.

So, as with most of our life and our kaupapa this isn’t a polished philosophy, it’s a living experiment. We’re testing, refining and learning alongside our kids - not arriving with all the answers. Our hope is that by holding this line gently but with clear edges, we’ll see what opens up on the other side of screens being less central.

**I’d love to hear from you - how do screens show up in your family? A support? A struggle? A mix?**

Amy x