Don’t let gathering become a luxury good.

WATCH: How to gather with a small budget (or no budget at all)

May 17, 2026

I've been worrying about the trend of people describing gathering as something that is becoming a luxury good. As if getting to be with other people is only for those with orderly, spacious, and settled lives. 👀 (Eugene Healey writes about this trend beautifully.) But thinking of hosting as a luxury distorts what gathering is and what it’s for. When we start ceding the idea that gathering belongs only to those with resources, we erode one of the most important democratic muscles we have: to build community.

The assumption that gathering requires the “right” setup will only further our isolation and fray our civic fabric. (If you don’t believe me, believe the authoritarian experts.) It’s also much less fun!

In this week’s GROUP HELP Lab, I detangle “hosting” from the mental model of a fancy dinner table, or in your home, or even something that has to cost money. (We also take on the perma-guesting and perma-hosting dynamic that seems to be on the rise.)

As I taught in our very first webinar (which is free and open to all), groups that nurture long-term commitment are those in which members feel they are contributing, and that they’re each getting something out of it. Groups and friendships often die when there is a perceived lack of reciprocity over the long term. So here’s what I focused on in this week’s lab: Reciprocity is important. And, reciprocity need not mean sameness. But it does mean effort.

One of my favorite gatherings I’ve ever attended was when a friend invited 14 women to the park. She arrived with towels and old bedsheets, started unwrapping them, and out came her grandmother’s china. She poured tea from a camping thermos. That was it. $4, maybe. It was one of the most memorable gatherings I’ve been to.

In this week’s Group Help Lab, we explored how to detangle form from effort.

Here are the four blockers we unpacked together, and the shifts that can help.

“My apartment is too small… I don’t even have a table!” A lot of us equate hosting with inviting people into a perfectly prepared home: enough seating, a clean kitchen, and ambient lighting. And if we don’t have those things, we decide that hosting is for other people. But some of the most meaningful gatherings happen in parks, on walks, at coffee shops, on stoops, or in libraries. Gathering outside your home often lowers the pressure rather than raising it. Less cleanup. Less performance. More attention for what actually matters: creating a reason for people to spend time together. Hosting isn’t about having the perfect space. It’s about making a plan and following through. That’s it. Make a plan.

And if you want to go deeper into why public spaces and the infrastructure of libraries matter so much for community, start with Eric Klinenberg’s Palaces for the People.
Ask Yourself: What gathering becomes possible when I stop assuming it has to happen in my home?

2. “I can’t afford to gather.” We’ve started associating hosting with consumption: expensive dinners, drinks for everyone, beautifully curated evenings. But people rarely remember gatherings because they were expensive. They remember laughing until they cried, or hearing a story for the first time, or being asked a question that stayed with them, or simply feeling included. For much of human history, financial strain pushed communities toward each other rather than away. Harlem rent parties are a powerful example: people threw open their doors because times were hard, not because times were easy. Music, creativity, and connection emerged from collective effort during moments of constraint. We need to stop asking “What can I afford to provide?” and start asking “What simple experience could we share together?”

Ask Yourself: What is a simple experience people in my life would genuinely enjoy sharing together that would cost little to no money?