# [a10d](/content/site-root.html)
Helping young people own their attention and build the skills and mindsets they need to flourish as humans.
# Why do we fear upsetting our kids?
### Getting fresh perspective on how we approach conflict
[Meghan Fitzgerald](https://substack.com/@meghannolanfitzgerald)
Jun 04, 2026
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A few weeks ago, my friend (and fellow Substacker) [David Sewell McCann EdD](https://open.substack.com/users/35415002-david-sewell-mccann-edd?utm_source=mentions), left this comment on my post about collaborative limit setting with kids:
Gauntlet tossed, I’ve been noodling on this ever since. And, I’m so grateful for a few genuine unlocks. Here’s the thought journey, shared in the hopes that it sparks reflection for you, too. Thank you, David, for the invitation.
Thanks for reading a10d!
### Conflict and adolescence: just like spaghetti and meatballs, but less delightful.
A rise in parent-child conflict during adolescence is a normal part of family life, and for good reason. Such conflicts have an important function in adolescents’ development of autonomy and individuation. They also offer kids real opportunities to learn how to advocate, negotiate, decision-make, repair, and hold space for two very different sets of needs and perspectives.
I know, intellectually, that conflict is natural, and even productive. And I see giving kids the limits and guardrails they need as my role. But if I’m being honest, conflicts often don’t feel like “teachable moments.” They just feel hard.
That’s why David’s question went straight to my belly. I’ve explored this question on my own, and even bounced it off of some friends and colleagues. My conclusion? There are several good reasons, and each can spark new ways to see and reconsider our own approach to supporting our kids.
## Why do we avoid it?
### 1. It can feel awful.
It’s hard to talk about why we avoid conflict without naming that it’s pretty unpleasant. It stinks to be in conflict with anyone, but especially with someone you love. And when that person is an adolescent with necessarily large, emotional reactions, the whole experience is flat out draining. All of this is on top of our already overwhelm and exhaustion from a chaotic, distracting world.
Though it doesn’t necessarily make big, emotional interactions more enjoyable, reframing adolescents’ emotional intensity as natural, purposeful (developmentally) and even brilliant helps in a few ways. First, it makes the awful feel less awful. It also helps us communicate in a way that makes kids feel more respected, which makes the entire interaction smoother and more fruitful for all. I love this notion from Pediatrician Kenneth Ginsberg (first surfaced to me by Ellen Galinsky):
> “If you believe adolescents are emotionally out of control—all engine, no brakes—you’re going to communicate with them in one way. But if you understand that the emotional part of their brain is brilliant, you’re going to communicate in another way, one that respects how intuitive and responsive they can be.”
### 2. We’ve lost some of our authority muscle.
It’s also possible that we’ve softened a bit in recent generations when it comes to authoritative limit setting. Our kids are growing up in a culture where everyone pushes back — on parents, teachers, administrators, referees, others on a Reddit thread, anyone with whose position we don’t immediately agree. In a recent post, Jonathan Rothwell makes [a strong, evidence-based case](https://www.afterbabel.com/p/the-parenting-trap) that we need to bring a little authority back into our parenting (though some of this piece [gives me pause](/content/p/a-parenting-paradox-opposing-a-words/index.html)).
### 3. We’re grieving the separation — even if we don’t realize it.
Adolescent conflict plays out in the milieu of loss that parents often unconsciously experience. What happened to our kids who used to really like us? These conflicts almost seem to accelerate the separation dance we’re reluctantly stepping through. This is something we may know is important, but that we also mourn on some deep level.
Many parents also feel real tension between giving kids the limits they need and keeping kids close. The last thing you want is to push your teen to retreat so far that they stop confiding, trusting, talking, and welcoming you in. It’s downright frightening that our kids might tune out and turn, instead, to their peers, influencers, or even AI for support, insight, and direction. And so, in our dedication to remaining our kids’ safe people (Please, come to us when you’re in trouble!), we may, inadvertently, be avoiding giving them the very guardrails they need most.
> “Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did — that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that — a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” — [Debra Ginsberg](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/64971-through-the-blur-i-wondered-if-i-was-alone-or)
### 4. We haven’t set the scene.
It’s also hard to set limits when you realize—too late—that you never set the stage on the topic or issue in question. Something needs reining in, but there was no framework to point back to. To kids, our sudden need for limits can feel arbitrary and unfair. But, in fairness to us, you can’t always know which talks you’ll need before you need them.
Three things have helped us with this:
- Establish a basic rule or understanding you can return to, and that can apply to many things. _You (kid) need agency and opportunity, AND you need to stay healthy and strong. Both matter, and you can’t have one without the other. It’s too important. We may not always agree on what “healthy and strong” requires, but we can work out how to balance these together._
- Set up limits before kids have access to technology. We established [a contract like this one](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SwdtpnhXSTHaqpoHI16vV93Y6fGluFVC/view?usp=drive_link) before handing over a phone. And to be clear: it’s not a one-and-done effort. We find ourselves needing to revisit, adjust, and let this agreement grow as our kids do. The conversations around those amendments are often fraught, too, but they are far more productive given that we have a foundation.
- If you missed the ideal moment, have the conversation as soon as you can. The next best time is always right now.
### 5. We’re genuinely confused and caught between extremes
Across multiple fields, researchers have found that when people are overwhelmed by information, they tend to do one of a few predictable things, and almost none of them involve making a clear, deliberate choice.
When parents are flooded with contradictory advice about screens, parenting styles, and teen mental health, as we all are today, the research would predict behavior that undermines healthy engagement in conflict: inaction, defaulting to whatever feels familiar, and low confidence in the choices we do make.
The chance to think about this felt like an a-ha moment for me. It suddenly became clear—a major reason that setting rules and limits is so hard is that I often can’t meet my own conditions for doing it _well_.
As a teacher, school leader, organizational leader, and parent, I’ve had plenty of practice rolling out new policies that, though necessary, were poorly received by people I care deeply about. I’ve never found it fun, but I have always found it doable under one condition: I understand, agree with, and can effectively convey the _reason_ for the change.
When we’re served up extremes (B _an all tech! AI is the answer to humanity’s woes!)_ it feels awful and futile to hold firm on a point we’re not sure is even worthy. Neither extreme feels right or reflects our kids’ actual lives. No wonder all of this is so hard.
It’s not a dead end, though. There is definitely room for a new approach here.
* * *
“The middle path is the way to wisdom.”— Rumi
* * *
## So what do we do? We meet in the middle, and bring our best questions.
No binaries. No extremes. No matter how juicy they are and no matter how many likes they collect. The answer to any limit-setting realm (risky behavior, driving, sex, eating, technology, etc.) is neither wrap kids in bubble wrap nor hand them the keys and look the other way. It’s neither anti-technology nor tech-utopia. It’s the messy, important middle ground of “it depends.”
Meeting in the middle and questioning gives us firm ground on which to make a stand, and it engages everyone in the why, not just the what of a change we feel kids need to make. It also turns down the intensity and takes some of the emotional pressure out of the system. This can really help mitigate against those first few reasons we fear upsetting our adolescents.
And, I’d argue, the best, long-lasting way to keep kids safe is to acclimate them to the middle ground. Model how to reject the extremes, ask great questions, and experiment together to find the truth in the blend.
### Try framing changes as experiments.
When my husband and I need to change things for (and on) our kids, especially the kind of change we know they’ll balk at, we try to approach it as an experiment. Read more about one of our recent experiments in [this post](/content/p/the-experiment-that-changed-how-we/index.html).
When we do this in our house, we aim to hit four components: _theory → question (hypothesis) → test → reflection._
- **Theory:** In order to buy into an experiment and accept its eventual outcome, kids (and you) need to understand why you’re even considering a change. Maybe it was an article you read, something the pediatrician/some expert said, or success a trusted friend had doing something similar. Kids need the “why” before they can engage with the “what.”
- **Question (hypothesis):** Rather than framing a change as a new house rule (“No more screens in the bedrooms. Ever.”), try teeing it up as a question to test: “How will turning our bedrooms into screen-free zones impact how we think, feel, sleep and behave?”
- **Test:** Implement the new approach for a limited time, and communicate that this is a test, but one we all need to do. If you can, welcome kids to name the challenges the new approach will pose to them, and adjust the test in any way you reasonably can. This step will help kids feel heard and valued (without that, cue the push back). It will also give you invaluable insight into their perspective.
> To be clear, it’s still ours (i.e. the parents/teachers) to decide how new approaches get implemented after the test period. But having a test period and showing kids that their feedback genuinely influences how you understand and apply a rule goes a long way.
- **Reflect and codify:** After you’ve tested it out, build in time to reflect together. What worked? What was hard, and why? How can you use this learning to adjust and adapt the norms by which you live? Then, share with kids what you’ve decided the new rule or approach will be.
Experimenting like this may seem like it will take more time, but I’ve found the opposite to be true. The up front investment makes for a much more enjoyable process and whatever good comes of it is far more likely to last. In the end, it’s a genuine time and energy saver.
If you feel like “my kids will never go for this,” try to push through their objections and kill them with your own steadfast curiosity. It’s hard to argue that experimentation isn’t an important approach to learning and improving our worlds. We need our kids to question, to test, and to learn in order to thrive in the world they’ll inherit and build. I try to consider this essential human training.
Kids also really enjoy having genuine agency and voice in determining the world they inhabit. When kids apply to be a10d advisors, we ask: “What do you wish adults better understood about kids your age?” Nearly every time, it’s some version of: _“That we are smarter and more capable than they think.”_
What better way to show our kids that they have a voice than to partner with them on the decisions, changes, and adjustments we make to their lives—even when it’s hard, uncomfortable, and looks like conflict?
* * *
_Thanks again, David, for the question. What do **you** think? Why do you find yourself avoiding conflict with your kids? What have I missed?_