# Discover more from Man with a Hammer The single handed restoration of a 30 room, ex-Naval Georgian home in Devon, England. DIYing one room at a time! Over 4,000 subscribers By subscribing, you agree Substack's [Terms of Use](https://substack.com/tos), and acknowledge its [Information Collection Notice](https://substack.com/ccpa#personal-data-collected) and [Privacy Policy](https://substack.com/privacy). # All those bedrooms... So, how many kids are you planning? ### Well... this is awkward! [Greg Penn](https://substack.com/@manwithahammer) Feb 20, 2026 231 148 7 ### Awkward… but so important! Well folks, I thought I’d write my first non-house related Substack about what is certainly (and frustratingly) one of the most divisive decisions I (and now, we) have made about our lives. _This is a free to read post for everyone - mainly as it’s topic I’d love to be seen by as many people - it’s so important. If you’re not yet subscribed, for free - I’d be hugely grateful if you’d like to join me - there is of course a paid option too if you’d like to see all my musings and support my work. Thank you!_ It’s also something I never really thought I’d share quite so publicly - not because it’s anything to be ashamed of (quite the opposite, and this is one of the reasons I wanted to write this, as more and more people choose this for themselves too!), but just because I never thought it would be relevant when the core of what you share online is about wallpaper, or paint stripping! But, of course our recent engagement means that this question has cropped up again a little more frequently… Yes folks, that is indeed an eclair and 2 small doughnuts arranged in a very crude manner, alongside a card saying ‘snip snip hooray’ from my very supportive parents! But, well - we are human, and humans are interested in other humans - which is great. Humans on the internet are also chock full of opinions - which _can_ be great too! So, when you share your home, and that home has a gazillion (OK, maybe 10 or 12) bedrooms… perhaps it’s inevitable and questions around offspring should be expected! _**Before I delve into this… I want to throw in a disclaimer. I am, not an expert in this field… Nor do I know how to use the best or most appropriate language around it either. I am though, conscious it’s a hugely sensitive subject, with very strong opinions on every side, and contains subjects some will find upsetting for many reasons.**_ _If, through any of this piece, my choice of words is ill picked or causes offence, please let me apologies in advance… It certainly isn’t intended, and this will be one of the few posts I take the time to re-read a few times properly, before posting, to try my best to be mindful of my language, given the sensitivity of it all in trying to do my best to approach it carefully._ _But please know it comes from a place of kindness, and in the hope it opens eyes and minds to different perspectives and that, in some small way - it helps move things forward, for all of us!_ _I also want to make clear that, whilst I’ve chosen not to become a parent - I absolutely respect the choice of others to become them… more power to you (poor sods haha)! I know for so many, they are absolutely, a blessing, the best thing you’ll ever do, and I am also absolutely chock full of admiration because frankly, it looks hard. Very, very hard… and joyous etc. at times too - so, bravo!_ OK. So, whilst I think it’s pretty well socially accepted now that, asking someone (and especially someone you don’t know well) ‘when are you having kids'?’, is a bad idea… it’s fair to say that information hasn’t yet trickled down to everyone. Fair enough - these things take time. Oh the top floor, that’ll be perfect for the kids… Or you know, what about a cigar lounge and piano bar - that sounds like much more fun! It’s also a question that I think whilst misguided, is usually coming from a place of kindness, even when it can cause enormous harm, so I always do my best to be kind about it in return. But, that’s quite easy for me as, I am very lucky it’s never been something that I’m unsure of. I have always known, since I was a child myself, resolutely and truly, that I’ve never, ever wanted children. Knowing that so clearly, makes it so much easier for you to laugh it off - my usual response when asked it in person, is to explain that I am, alas allergic to them, and they bring me out in terrible hives. For most this is enough to stop the conversation there without the need for a long, drawn out back and forth - though not always! I’m also conscious that as a chap, it’s something I’m asked far less than my female friends that find themselves in the same situation… though my position as an Instagram type certainly goes some way into making up for that… When prepping this room, I did find traces of a Victorian children’s wallpaper - there’s examples of it in the V&A - with letters of the alphabet. It’s fair to say I think the Admirals job as a father would likely have been relatively straightforward what with his enormous household of staff to do everything! He had 3 sons… and at least one daughter (possibly more! Daughters weren’t counted back then in quite the same way - even for someone with the social standing he had - bonkers!). But, before I continue - in case any of you might be puzzled as to why it’s not a good idea, and why it might cause pain to ask people ‘when they’re going to start a family’… here’s a little list, that’s absolutely not exhaustive, of reasons why. _I also want to point out that, when sharing this a couple of years ago, I had hundreds of messages of people that even once they’d had a child, or children, STILL got asked!_ - They might desperately want them, but can’t have them, and now feel like they might have to tell you about it… - They may be trying desperately... - They may have lost a child… - There may be some trauma that is stopping them from wanting a child… - They may feel they’re not financially, emotionally… or insert any other reason - in a position to currently start a family or there may be genetic reasons they don’t want to pass on. - There may be relationship issues… - They may want to adopt but finding it hard... - The state of the world terrifies them and they don’t want to bring a human into it - They feel there’s a case around the environment, sustainability and over population… **And if that doesn’t do it. Here’s a few more…** - **It’s** - **None** - **Of** - **Your** - **Business.** OK. With that bit of housekeeping done… I mentioned that it’s easy for me, because I am so, so sure of my choice and have been ever since I was really even conscious of it being a choice! Our perfect (for us!) little family of 2! The reason I’ve never wanted kids isn’t all that deep - at the risk of making myself very unpopular (I swear I’m nice - honest!)… I just… aren’t all that keen! Never have been really - and my life has always felt full - obviously now with Cot and Admirals, but even before I spent hours a week with a sander, I was certainly always fully occupied - so even if I was keen, I’ve no idea how I’d fit them in haha (and before anyone responds with - ‘oh you’d make it work etc. no one’s ever ready for them…’ - yes I totally get that - but the ‘not keen’ element, overrules all the above regardless haha!). I’m also not sure how anyone affords them! I mean, I could list the **many** reasons why… but you can probably work that out for yourselves - and funnily enough it’s the friends of mine that are parents, that are usually the ones that absolutely understand my point of view, having lived through the ~~horror~~ _delightful challenge_ of it all personally! Obviously I’m not some sort of ogre - and am erm, normal (ish) with friends kids at saying the right thing, when they want to show me a cartwheel or something or show me a (almost universally terrible) drawing… and I’m slowly learning that a formal handshake and a ‘how do you do?’ isn’t really the done thing… you know… totally normal! But I think what’s been fascinating over the 15 to 20 years or so I’ve been fielding questions like this… is peoples responses to my take on it all. I am very thankful that there’s definitely a shift… there’s much more understanding now of it being a choice, than when I was in my early 20’s… but, some peoples perspective on this has occasionally left me slightly blown away. I’ll share a taste… as I think understanding this, then allows us to understand these people and I hope, collectively, shift their mindset - whether you have/want children or not! Because it is my opinion, that in an ideal world, children would be a considered choice… which I’m sure has to be better for everyone involved - the child, the parent - and the world in general! - The first thing people usually tell me is something along the lines of ‘Ohhh but you’d love your own!’. - Well, maybe - but also - maybe not… and it’s not like buying a pair of shoes to try on at home, that you can return if they don’t suit the jeans you were going to wear with them… it’s a pretty long term commitment (is it 30 years now that kids are living at home for?)… it just seems bonkers to me that anyone would consider this a good enough reason to ‘give it a whirl’… I’ve given more thought to what I’m going to have for dinner than that! - You’ll regret it when you’re old… - Well, see above - maybe - maybe not, but again not really something I want to gamble on - and so far, zero regrets thanks! - Next up… ‘who’s going to look after you when you’re old?’ - Well… hopefully someone paid to do that, if it comes to it! The idea that you have kids, to then act as carers, again - feels pretty wild to me, and is making a lot of assumptions… firstly, that you’ll have a good relationship with your kids (certainly not guaranteed), then that you’d actually expect them to do that, instead of choosing what they want to do at that stage in life… and finally, children are very, very expensive… far, far greater than the cost of care I reckon ha! - I appreciate in the period Admirals House - the above would have made far more sense and children were, in poorer (or even just averagely wealthy) families, cheap labour. I think I’d always have been too chunky to be sent up sweeping chimneys thankfully!). - ‘Did you have a horrible childhood?’ - Nope - not at all - it was lovely! - ‘You’d make a great dad’ - No I wouldn’t. I would be a terrible parent - I would, ultimately resent them I think, and that’s not fair on any child. - ‘You’re being selfish’ - Genuinely blew my mind this one… and I’ve had it more than once. Apparently for denying my unborn children a life, and for not doing my bit to further our species and populate (an already crazily overpopulated) planet… yeahhhhh absolutely wild. - ‘You’ll never find a partner’ - This hasn’t aged well… - You’ll change your mind when you find ‘the one’… - My ‘one’ will have (has) the same perspective thanks otherwise she’s not ‘the one’ - What about your legacy/family name and what about Admirals? - Honestly - I couldn’t give two hoots about any of the above! I know I describe Admirals as the forever home - hopefully - but what I probably mean is… our home for as long as I can manage all the steps and to look after and enjoy it, at which time I’ll try and sell it to a hopefully sympathetic owner that will love it as much as I did… and I’ll then buy something more befitting my aged legs and what not. - There’s also been a myriad of cultural & religious reasons… I’ve had my sexuality questioned, and my masculinity… all fun stuff haha (and again, both my masculinity and sexuality are things I’m very comfortable with thanks so all very easily laughed off!). Our family may be unconventional, and not fit with the idea of 2.4 children… but it’s amazing it is now seen as an ‘almost normal’ choice. I could list a trillion other things that people have said, but hopefully that gives you a bit of a flavour… But, why do I think it’s important to talk about it? Well, there’s something rather magical that happens, with some parents, when you explain to people that you resolutely don’t want children… It all of a sudden, provides a very safe space, in which they can be truly honest about their own circumstances. Over the years, I’ve had countless parents, both Ma’s and Pa’s, tell me that, in hindsight, they wish the’d thought more deeply about having them. For balance, I’ve had countless tell me it’s the best thing they’ve ever done and wouldn’t change a thing… I just think I’m in a fairly rare position where I get peoples full honesty, and see a wider picture than a lot are able to. They’re all great parents, doing their best, and all have loved their children very much… but, for a lot, it was never a choice… it was just what came next… what was expected… and given their time again - they might choose to go in a different direction. And the expectation they felt, certainly isn’t helped by people regularly asking ‘so, when are you having children?’. What’s been especially heartwarming too, on sharing our choice to not have them online, is that both Cot and I have been inundated with messages from people, old and young, saying it’s their choice too, and they’ve never regretted it one second… 2 people, very sure of their choices and living their own version of their best life, as best they can! Their lives, like ours, are full. Happy. We don’t feel like anything is missing (as is so often suggested)… We don’t feel like half a family. We get to do all the things we want to do (sort of… Admirals punishing financial aside, but you know what I mean!)… and don’t feel any less of a man or woman for it… One of Cot’s favourite quotes about it is this - and I think when phrased like this, it has helped some that I’ve shared it with, see it from a different perspective… **No one has thought more about having children, than a woman who decides not to.** It’s something I know can be just as hard for someone with very strong maternal or paternal instincts to understand, as it is for me to understand wanting children - but, a bridge has definitely been built across which understanding is flowing! And as for us - Cot I’m sure will tell her own side of things as and when, and it is something she mentions on her Instagram and what not (incredibly a follower recently suggested having children would help her anxiety! I can’t think of many ways to make it worse to be honest haha)… But of course, I reached my decision on this maybe 30 years before meeting her. Throughout my time dating and relationships, I’ve always, always made my position crystal clear before doing any dating or anything like that - which has made things… interesting at times haha! Cot had made that decision too of course, again long before me. It would be impossible to be with someone that had a different perspective in my opinion, as well, it’s not something you can meet in the middle over and one or the other is just going to get hurt, or end up in a position they’d rather not find themselves. 1. And for anyone thinking ‘oh they’ll change their minds’ or similar… I had the snip in October 2024. Cot was struggling with contraceptives - so it made absolute sense for me to get it done. And I have zero regrets - indeed, I haven’t given it a moments thought since it healed! Remarkably, even after that’s been done I’ve had people say ‘oh don’t worry - it can be reversed’… haha absolutely incredible that even this isn’t enough - at the ripe old age of almost 42, some people still just can’t accept that kids aren’t for me. And finally, I know to lots of you this might not be remotely interesting, or relevant… but, every time I share these musings, I am innundated with messages from people, grateful I’ve raised it. All with their own, personal reasons… in the hope we normalise… 1. Not asking people about it 2. Respecting peoples choice to choose a child free life, regardless of the reason why. ### As for what we’re going to do with all those bedrooms…? Well, you probably know by now, we rather like throwing the odd party! Cot’s got an outrageous number of dresses so we’ll find a home for those too - we’d rather like the idea of a music room one day… perhaps a gym… and of course being able to have paying guests one day too which would be incredible… But, we shall see… One thing’s for sure - we’ll never need to try and wash crayon from the Chinoiserie! Phew! I’m genuinely pretty relaxed about a bit of wear and tear - but I think coming down to see this covered in marker pen might tip me over the edge haha! I hope that’s been an interesting read lovely bunch. I am hopeful that Substack is a place for these ramblings… that whilst not about the house - Admirals sort of runs through everything… affecting every aspect of our life - both personally, and the lives we share with you through social media. And, as always - I’d love to hear your thoughts!